Life Question 3: How Many Cats must a Woman Own to be Considered a Cat Lady?

You've heard it on the News.

You've seen it in the Simpson's Cartoons.

You've even watched it in Batman.

Make no mistake... the Cat Lady trend is here to stay.

That's right, I said trend. Don't worry, I'll get that later.

First, you might be asking, aren't cat ladies the people that insist on devoting their entire life to breeding cats?

No, you incompetant buffoon.

I'm talking about the ladies who live and die alone and are usually found being eaten by their pets....thousands and thousands of CATS at the time of their death!

Now I, for some reason, am a cat person. I do like little kitties. They are just so cute. However, I cannot imagine absorbing my entire life by paying attention to a thousand different animals.

In fact, most people can't imagine it.

There is only one type of person that lives this way. Yeah, that's right. Grown up Emo Kids.

Emo kids of course are the children in our public schools that dress in all black, believe that their lives are worthless (and usually they are), and complain or whine about how life is unfair. Oh yeah, and they have shitty music.

Anyway, as emo children begin to mature (at a super slow rate), they begin to realize that if they don't shut up, somebody will beat the hell of them. However, they do not all grow up.

For these weirdo children, a life of complete isolation awaits them. Within 30 years, the mental disease to need to depend on animals kicks in. 50 cats later, the cats suffocate the owner beneath a giant cat nip orgy...Oh God!

This crime against nature must stop! But how?

Well, thank God for communism! http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/jul/22/russian.emo (seriously, read it)

That's right! Russia is declaring war on emo kids. So why not us?

I mean, the war on poverty and the war against terror don't seem to be working, but i really think we could win this one! I mean, think about it, it's like picking on the losers from your high school all over again! SIMPLE right?

It's so easy. We might as well spend a billion dollars passing the legislation.

We need to pass legislation about emos and cat ladies. The only question is...

How many cats must you own to be considered a cat lady?

10?

20?

50?

Or just 1 damn sexy cat?

And here's another question for your noodle. Let's say that the limit is 10 cats. So any person, who owns 10 cats is to be considered a cat lady. Are the people who own 9 cats, just a type of emo cat lady poser?

Should we pass legislation for posers? Posers are super dumb.

Anyway, send me your cat lady ideas on this website or twitter them to me at Kwazykozmo and I will begin writing my proposal for Anti-Cat Lady Legislation for Obama.

Because this is.... A National Crisis.

Help. I'm Addicted to Achievements

Hi. My name is Jimmy, and I'm addicted to achievements.

I mean that with all seriousness. I am ADDICTED to the achievement system that is built into every single Xbox 360 game.

I yearn for them.

Those few I have not unlocked taunt me, sometimes even keep me up at night. I have used the word 'chevos' in place of the full word because I was just too damn occupied with getting more chevos and was too impatient to fully say 'achievements'. I may be ashamed of this more than anything.

I have bought downloadable content JUST to get any achievements attached to it. I compare my games to that of my friends to see how the are doing, help them get achievements, or pick up the few that I missed. I have contemplated getting the Avatar: The Last Airbender game because you can get all 1000 points at once. (I'm hanging onto the fact that I have yet to bow down to this temptation.)

What's worse? Now there are Achievements FOR UNLOCKING ACHIEVEMENTS! Check out the screenshot below. You see that? I can get 'Milestones' for unlocking achievements in all the various Halo games. Double True!

...and as God as my witness, I will collect all those damn Milestones.

Can you blame me though? It's the positive reinforcement I've wanted my whole life. How many times have friends, family, and household pets laughed at you or dismissed your ambitions? How often do you accomplish something in life and nobody is there to celebrate with you? Dammit, every time I do something worthwhile I hope something will pop up in my field of vision stating 'Achievement Unlocked' like on the Xbox. It feels good. It is undeniable proof of greatness. It can (and often does) set you apart from the other people going about their abysmal life one day at a time.

And lets face it: Video games are HARD

They always have been. I remember all those frustrating moments on my Genesis. After beating Sonic for the first time I was so damn happy, but had nothing to show for it. When I shut the system off, it was gone. Not even Sega would remember. Back then, anyone could claim they "beat the game" or "found" the hidden item within the game world. Without achievements, there was no proof. But now, thanks to the wondrous minds at Microsoft, there are millions of little badges and trillions of points to acquire.

I downloaded Sonic on the Xbox's Arcade platform, and got all the possible achievement points in it. Now I can prove it. Now it won't be forgotten. Such vindication! Such relief! I have accomplished something!

Sure, the points don't count for anything. You can't cash them in or put them on a resume (God how cool would that be? I'd never be unemployed) and a lot of people would argue that they still don't amount to any real accomplishment. I didn't get paid. I didn't get awarded any medal or trophy.

Still... in today's society, I'll take what I can get. Those little square pictures that count for imaginary points do make me feel accomplished, and by Grapthar's Hammer, I will get as many of them as I can. They are the new Pokemon. I have to unlock them all.

Oh, and for those of you who play Halo and noticed the screenshot at the top... Read 'em and weep. 100% completion baby.

Yes, my friends. I have a problem... but I think I'll live with it.

~Jimmy "My Current Gamerscore is 21846. What is Yours?" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Actually, Jim's Gamerscore is OVER 9000!"

Scheduled Maintenance

Hello loyal followers. The next day or two I am going to be updating the blog's code a bit, so a few posts may pop up that are largely unimportant but unavoidable. Sorry for the confusion.

Things I plan on doing:

- Re-indexing the database of comments, while I design a new comment system (anything is better than bloggers, and i plan on eliminating anonymous posts)

- Swabbing the decks

- Improving the RSS feed parsing

- Designing a new template

- Integrating Twitterfeed

- Reticulating Splines

- I'm contemplating a switch to wordpress for better coding support. Thoughts?

- Frogblasting the Ventcore

In the meantime, we all anxiously await Kuzma's next life question. Stay frosty folks.

~Jimmy "no joke today, I'm just too damn busy" the G.

Shameless Self Promotion

...a bit of shameless self promotion here, not much more. My first official design contract has been completed, and can be viewed at

http://www.thefourcoins.com

I'm very happy with the results (and the pay) and am now receiving more clients and doing more work. Any feedback on the site (from a design perspective, at any rate) would be greatly appreciated and I look forward to new and exciting projects coming my way. Currently 3 projects are on the docket, but I welcome more.

So yeah, in case you were wondering... I am available for hire.

~Jimmy "Shangri-La" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Show me the MONEY."