...Blinded By its Majesty

The Decade We Found Halo

"...When you first saw Halo, were you blinded by its magesty?

Paralyzed? Dumbstruck?"

~ Prophet of Regret

October 20, 2552

Were that date to hold true, the conversation between The Prophet of Truth and Thel 'Vadamee (or the Arbiter, as he is better known) would take place 566 years - to the day - since I was born.

Yes, my birth date was on that same day in 1986, and for awhile I lived in the 80's and grew up mostly in the 90's...

Then the Millennium shift... Y2K... The start of the future had arrived, much to the chagrin of those who thought the new century would start with mass computer failures and other sorts of chaotic shenanigans.

What did the new millennium have in store for us? Would I be growing up in the era of peace? Prosperity? Medical and Technological advancements? Would we finally make first contact with the Vulcans and embrace logic? (Did I mention I love Star Trek?)

Some of that held true... but following the incredible tragedy of September 11th, 2001, and the ensuing war in the Middle East... and the disastrous economic fallout in the final moments of the decade...

It seemed to me that the decade as a whole was not something to be very excited about. Now that it closes, and I have since graduated from High School (and in a few months, college) I find myself looking back on the past 10 years - the first step in this new century - and wondered what changed my life the most... what influenced me? what excited me?

What happened in the last 10 years that truly motivates me?

There are many answers to those questions (getting two diplomas, finding my own identity, carving my future career path...) that will continue to move my life forward as I enter the real world of work, bills, love, loss, and life.

There is one thing, however, that I am passionate about enough to add to that list of achievements and accomplishments I have attained personally, and that would be the day I discovered the artifact.

The day I Discovered Halo.

Installation 04 - "Alpha Halo"

Yes, something changed when I first picked up Halo. I like to equate it to the time I first saw Star Wars, or the first time I played Sonic The Hedgehog 10 years prior (I was a Sega kid, not Nintendo, and damn proud of it). Something was different about that game, as we all know, but for me it was more than the revolutionary game play, storytelling, and music.

It felt different... It felt new... It felt epic

Hell, I felt important while playing it.

...let's step back for a moment.

I was an avid player of Bungie's "Marathon" trilogy on my dad's work laptop (A Powerbook G3, mostly because a Windows version was simply not available yet, and somehow it was loaded onto the machine when I first got my hands on the damn thing.) We had a windows 95 computer too, but I was not really aware of the similar games, such as Doom or Wolfenstein. Marathon, however, felt new, and it felt epic, but I was not old enough to really appreciate the story of the game like I would later on. Still, I knew of Bungie, and I loved what they had created.

Fast forward about 5 years. 2002. Halo had already landed on the Microsoft Xbox, and I had no clue what it was and why I should care. I didn't even own the machine... I was still playing the Sega Dreamcast, and my parents got my siblings and I a Nintendo Gamecube for Christmas. I was happy for the Nintendo, as they were churning out games like Super Smash Brothers and Rogue Squadron (Did I mention I love Star Wars?) and other popular games among my peers, so I was content.

The following September (2003 for those who have lost track) during one fateful school day, my life changed. A longtime friend of mine, Marc Brenner (I hope you are reading this Marc, its a damn shout out), brought to school with him the manual for the PC version of Halo: Combat Evolved. Why he had it with him, I'm not sure, but he said I needed to check it out, so I did.


Game manuals are all the same, even today. Control diagrams, menu and feature explanations, and of course there are a few pages of credits. Most manuals, at the beginning, usually have a few pages that explain the story (or try to, at any rate) as well as introduce you to the characters. Halo was no different. They showed me the Pillar of Autumn, the Marines, and the Master Chief. It was all new to me... and I was fascinated. You can actually still find the manual online, by the way, click here for the PDF off the Microsoft website. Take a look and maybe you will get an idea of how it impacted me all those years ago.


It was then that I remembered seeing the name "Halo" in one of the several game magazines I got. Gamepro was all over it, and since I was not an owner of an Xbox, I simply passed over it. After reading that manual, I sifted through the older magazines I had and read the articles about it. Preview, Reviews, and Interviews... all of them were hailing Halo and used such phrases as "Game-Changer", "Killer-App", and "Game of the Year."

Nintendo games didn't get called any of those terms, and I simply wasn't interested in the Playstation (to this day the brand fails to excite me). They stopped making Dreamcast games by then (Side Note: I am still EXTREMELY pissed off about the death of the Dreamcast. It was a great system.) and I really didn't own a PC capable of playing modern games. Coincidentally, my next-door neighbors, the Landreaneaus, had recently purchased an Xbox and a copy of Halo. They invited me over to play, and once I got the controller in my hands the pieces all started to come together. Halo was different. It was new. It was epic.

It was important.

It wasn't long before I saved up the cash to get an Xbox and a copy of Halo, right about the time in 2003 when the Halo 2 press onslaught began. I became infatuated with every aspect of it. The gameplay, graphics, Marty O'Donnel's fantastic musical scores (Stephen Rippy too... He did a great score for Halo Wars and somehow the community doesn't seem to highlight that much. Props buddy!), the multiplayer... all of it I loved.

But the thing that grabbed me more than anything was the story. Halo had a FANTASTIC story (despite what some critics and haters say, I might add). If you know anything about me, as I'm sure my friends can attest to, I love a good story. I've always been an avid reader, and at the time I aspired to be a writer (I still do, to be truthful). I was not only a person that enjoyed a good story, I enjoy exploring what makes up a good story. I take details apart, reflect on them, and because of that I appreciate them.

It also helped that during this time I expanded my interest (and skill) in computers and computer related fields, eventually leading to my college focus and forthcoming degrees.

I played the hell out of that game... so much that my parents groaned every time they heard the monks chant as it booted up. My dad still complains about it from time to time. I preached about it to friends: "You gotta play this game", "forget about your stupid Gamecube and get Halo!", and eventually, once I was all caught up on the story, the lore, and reintroduced into the Bungie Community, I began my own hype campaign for Halo 2.

I distinctly remember one friend of mine, Brenton Galbraith, who simply didn't get me and my obsession with Halo. He was another Nintendo guy, trying to rave about the Metroid series at the time. He was with me when I got my copy of Halo 2 on November 9th. It wasn't long that he too came into the fold (By choice? Not sure. I was pretty pushy at the time, and I guess this long article shows that I still am really preachy about it). We still joke about how he was in line for Metroid with a quaint few while the masses beside him were waiting for Halo 2. Oh Brenton, how naive you were... good memories.

The rest, as many have said, is history. Thanks to the power of modern technology, such as the Internet and Xbox Live, all those old friends of mine still play Halo with me, as well as the many people I've met throughout college years and now the workplace. Even amidst our differences in social cliques, college affiliations, and amidst all of our busy lifestyles, the one thing that we all share time together doing over the distances that separate us is Halo. Halo 2 was instrumental in shaping the way we communicate online today, as it is well known that it influenced how the mightily successful Xbox Live on the 360 came to exist. We all play together across numerous games (a lot of them aslo quite fantastic) but we ALWAYS play Halo.


During the past 10 years I have played in scores of LAN parties, something really not done on the gaming consoles until Halo C.E. came about. My fellow teamates on the football team would bring 7 or so xboxes to someone's basement fridays after our games and play for hours and hours, only to do it again the following week. God only knows how much time I spent playing it on Xbox Live.

And of course, there is the engrossing universe that was created. I have the books. I have the comics. I have the memorabilia. All of it adds to the mysterious, encompassing universe first told in the game.

It was new. It was epic.

By why was it Important?

That question has different answers for everyone who has been captivated by the apparent magic of this tale. Like the universes of Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Tolkein, Battlestar, and dozens of other fantastic fictional tales, Microsoft, Bungie, and now 343 Industries have carefully crafted a detailed continuum that, for me, is easy to identify with and get emotional about.

How can anyone get emotional about a video game story, you ask? Simple: make it identifiable with every race, creed, religion, and any other aspect of Human division.

...ok, so that's really not that simple. Halo achieves this, however. Simply put: it is not about a country, a race, an organization. The story is about Humanity struggling to stay alive against a foe that is as violent as it is hateful. Instead of pitting my character against another man, I am instead fighting for ALL mankind.

...Isn't that what we all should be fighting for here, in the real world? In the past decade, we have seen time and time again how we continually fight amongst ourselves over... let's face it... stupid shit. One group flew planes into American building, bombed locations all over Europe, and continually terrorizes people around the globe. My country is just as guilty of harsh acts in retaliation, and in general we tend to look at anyone who is different than us as wrong, stupid, and dangerous.

That's isn't right. It just isn't right. Here were are... as I am writing this sentence the clock literally rolls over midnight on January the 1st, 2010. The second decade of the new millennium begins... and still we fight amongst ourselves. Despite all our collective knowledge, social and technological advancements, and clear potential as a species, we fight each other... we kill each other. We kill each other over stupid shit. Pointless hate, greed, jealousy, personal beliefs, skin color...

And if we aren't killing each other, we are treating each other like shit.

I am by no means innocent of treating other people wrongly, but doesn't it seem rather silly that in the year 2010 we still can't find a way to get along as a species?

Most people dismiss a thing like Halo as "Trivial" and "Just a game about killing things." To a point they are right. It is just a game, an element of entertainment, and by no means can one live and die by the words, ideas, and happenings of a video game. What it isn't, however, just about mindless killing. To me, that's the farthest thing from what Halo is about. It is about Humanity, our species...

ALL OF US

...united.

United against the ideas of death, destruction, and a feigned existence. United in the goal of preserving the lives of others, ensuring their safety and well being, and generally caring about each other. To those who don't understand this, I ask you to look at stories like that of Halo, and try to see and recognize that they are not simply about "killing aliens." And its not just Halo, but many other works of art. (yes, I believe it is a genuine form or artwork) Books, movies, tv... they often actually do have a message to send. Despite what you see on the screen, or on the pages, there is meaning behind a story. In this case, it' is genuine in it's message: We are all Human, and we all have the right to exist no matter what our differences are. We must protect that right as a species, and not get caught up fighting over all our differences.

Now I realize that there are some of you out there that may be thinking "This guy is full of shit. Hes talking about an Xbox game as if it were life-changing."

No. It is not anything like that. It's no Declaration of Independence, religious doctrine, or anything like that. I'm not trying to make it out like that... it is indeed just a video game. What I am saying, however, is that Halo broadcasts a message that really impacts me on multiple levels. You may not see it, but I do.. and I believe that message would be lost to me had I not discovered this story this past decade. I be live in that message, and I try to live it as best I can. Hopefully, in this new year, you all do as well. Let's not wait until 2525 to become united in a common cause.

...were it so easy...





Happy New Year,

~James T. George

Life Question 2: Do You Think God Grades on a Curve?

Thou shalt not commit adultery
Thou shalt not forget the sabbath day
Thou shalt not have any other God's but me

Yeah, yeah. We get it. Nobody really cares.

Seriously, let's me honest. The world is a hellhole, and it seems like nobody cares. In fact, the only sin that people seem to have a problem breaking is the whole murder thing.

Too bad.

Humans make good soup.

Anyways. As I was saying, people don't want to believe in God probably because the fact is that God is a party pooper.

I mean, when you're at a party and you are about to score, do you want your friends saying: Good job man; take the car; we'll find our own way home. Or would you rather have them say: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt! You know Miley Cyrus is only sixteeeeeeeen. It wouldn't be moral. You know Jesus wouldn't do that.

Sigh... the old WWJD routine.

Fine God. Fine. But this is the last time I tell you which bar I'm going to.

But you don't stop talking to God. Because let's face it, you need him. You need salvation. You might as well admit it, an eternity in heaven is much better than an eternity of burning.

Again, like always, I know what you're thinking:

You're thinking that you want to be a moral person, but don't wan to give up your current lifestyle.

Well, lucky for you, I've developed a simple and easy way to get the best of both worlds.

You see, Life is like a test. We have choices and decisions every day of our lives and in the end we are judged (graded) for our actions. The best people go to heaven, and the worse people go to hell.

Now I've never been a teacher, but I've had plenty of them. The only thing I have ever learned is that they grade on a curve. So I switched to SPED classes.

Easiest 4.0 in the business.

So as you can see, as long as people are worse than you, you can do poorly and still succeed.

Back to religion:

Luckily we live in a world where the most evil men have walked the Earth. I'm of course referring to Hitler, Tiger Woods, the Joker, Taylor Swift, and the Terminator. Nobody is arguing that these people are heinous. Good thing they're here to make you look good.

Unfortunately people like Jesus, the Pope, Gandhi, and Bob Dole are on the other side of the equation making you look like crap!

BAM!

You're back in the middle again.

So now what?

Well, you have to start bringing down your peers. Make others non believers. Make them sinners. You have to bring them down! Or they will beat you!

What am I saying?

Well, for starters, try taking your friends to an anti religion pep rally. Take a lot of pictures to show God later.

After that, just do what you have to.

You must frame as many people as possible.

All the meanwhile, your job is to only follow the commandments that you think are going to be on the final exam. So choose wisely.

If you have a hard time following these commandments. cheat every once in awhile. Even weight watchers tells you to cheat once in awhile.

So maybe on Tuesdays, kick your neighbors dog. Whatever floats your boat.

Well Good Luck

If you need some more examples, you can watch me (kwazykozmo), corrupt the silly people on Twitter!

Why I hate Top 10 Lists (RANT)

TOP 10 LISTS ARE THE PLAGUE OF SOCIETY

I'd like to start out by saying that I do not actually hate all top 10 lists. In fact, I do enjoy reading them from time to time. Sadly, around this time every year a multitude of really stupid top 10 lists come out highlighting all the boring and otherwise stupid things that happen in 365 days. This is an article about why I hate those lists, and how this year my anger level is even higher than usual about the whole ordeal.

And so we begin...

It's 2009. Soon to be 2010. As of this posting there is roughly 16 days remaining until we look back on this decade much like we look back on the 90's and 80's: WITH DISDAIN!

It is for this reason that I absolutely hate it when, at the end of every year, every media outlet in every form, be it Oprah or the local weatherperson, comes out with shitty list after shitty list of things they feel were important in the last year. Top 10 music albums, top 10 sports moments, top 10 pop culture trends, top 10 most wanted, top 10 crappy indie bands, top 10 low fat recipes for aging housewives...

ENOUGH!

THERE IS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH THAT HAPPENS IN A YEAR THAT WARRANTS A TOP TEN LIST! It's nothing but a list of things that humanity should be forgetting about brought up one more ugly time before we begin a fresh year.

We saw the Paris Hilton screw ups, we know Michael Jackson died, the Steelers won another Superbowl, some crazy bitch sang about her poker face, and we know that President Obama has pretty much done nothing in his historic first year in office, and yet in doing so outdid his predecessor.

There. I just wrapped 2009.

Here is where it gets worse....

Now that the first decade of the new millennium is over, people feel it necessary to recap all the crappy, horrifying, and otherwise stupid things that happened... IN A TOP 10 LIST! Contrary to the relatively low amount of important things that happen in a year, too much happens in 10 years to warrant a simple top 10 list. Most media outlets know this, so they compile much larger lists... in the hundreds of items... for you to pour over.

Whole sections of newspapers and websites are dedicated to this task.

Thousands of pages of paper... millions of lines of computer code... scores of manhours are poured into the making of these gargantuan lists that nobody should have time to read.

Were this a decade of peace and prosperity, I might not be so hard on the concept, but lets face it... the 2000's sucked. The word of the decade, something I'm sure Time Magazine will print before the month is over, will surely be "Terrorism." We are at war in a region that is doomed to be a hellhole for much of the foreseeable future. From 2000-2008 we had a President that was so inept that I'm not entirely sure he knows how to read. The New England Patriots cheated in a number of seasons that could have lead to multiple tarnished NFL titles. There was an attempted remake of Knight Rider. Carrot Top hasn't died, and worst of all...

Mr. Rogers died.

Who wants to remember all of that, let alone highlight the other 90 or so terrible or embarrassing things that happened in the last 10 years? (actually, its a lot more than 90 things, but I digress...)

Ladies and Gentlemen... I beseech you... please do not waste your time reading these lists again this year. I care about all of you... I really do! When you waste your time remembering all the horrible, stupid, or meaningless things of the past year and decade, you are allowing humanity to continually highlight bullshit, and put it up on a big pedestal.

Go now... have some eggnog or whatever alcoholic beverage you drink this time of year, put on a movie, and enjoy life... don't spend it remembering bullshit.

Ahh... I feel better... hopefully I saved a few poor souls from reading all that crap out there.

After all, its Christmas time. Be happy people.

~ Jimmy "Success" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"We still didn't find Osama. It's been 10 years."

Life Question 1: How Much For a Glass of Moon Water?

I hate geniuses.

Why, you ask?

Because they've doomed us (insert your hatred here).

What do I mean?

You know. They're always poking at stuff and are trying to see how things work; it's sickening. They are slaves to their own boredom.

When an average human gets bored he will spend his free time doing something relaxing. Whether it be playing a video game, reading a book, writing meaningless blogs, the average person always finds a way to enjoy his life, usually in a way that does not intrude on the lives of others. But not geniuses!

When geniuses get bored, their curiosity takes a hold of them. They feel the need to dissect something, or to create an atom bomb, or to make ice cream. Some way or another, the geniuses find ways to change the world. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, come on Kuzma, innovation is the key element of a successful economy. What could a nosy genius possibly do to us?

How dare you think skeptically of me.

You want an example?

Fine.

On Friday November 13th, two NASA astronauts had finished their morning missions and were contemplating what to do. They had already played all of their boardgames and had already saved Princess Peach from every Mario game ever made. So they read a book right?

WRONG!

They thought, Hey! There's the Lunar Sensing Satelite, Let's take it for a ride.

SLAM!

They crashed the 87 million dollar satellite into the moon.

Luckily for the astronauts (unluckily for us) they had stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries to date. I'm talking of course about water on the moon.

Now at this point you might be thinking, oh man, water on the moon? That's awesome! Why should we hate these people? I would pay big bucks for a glass of moon water! How much would a glass cost?

Well you're a moron.

Do you really think the mooninites will let us simply take their water?

That's right. The mooninites wrath is now upon us. We "bombed" their land and stole their water. So now you see, the question isn't how much money does a glass of moon water cost, but rather how much blood?

The answer of course, is

ALL OF IT.

Nobody can escape the quad-laser.

Fear the 'Stache

Let me start off with this: Dave Wannstedt has a mustache that is epic on a level that is so high that I cannot conjure up a humorous pun that does it justice. With that being said, there is a group of Pittsburgh fans out there that recognized this before anyone else and purchased a web domain to broadcast both the Stache's glory and their own.

I am now a card carrying, sign totin', mustache flaunting member of The Fighting Wannstaches.

While the group is young, it has a mission that is timeless: Bring the fans together. They felt that the University of Pittsburgh football program was in dire need of something bigger than any one person, and also recognize one of the greatest accomplishments in facial hair. As they put it:

"...Pitt football fans were missing something. Something universal to unite the them…something bigger than you or me…something to instill fear into every opposing team… something to not only celebrate Pitt football but also to pay homage to the best mustache since Magnum PI – The awesomeness that has become known as The Wannstache."

I faithfully throw my support behind this effort, and applaud their enthusiasm for Pittsburgh football. A longtime member of the Pitt family (my mother is an proud alumni) and now a student myself, I have always envied the large football domination other Universities have demonstrated in my lifetime. Pitt was once a powerhouse as well, but poor luck (as well as bad management on multiple levels) have allowed Pitt's 9 National Championship teams to fade into the passage of time and leave behind a shell of its former self.

Recently, however, the team has bounced back, under the leadership of a stache so great, it garnered its own fan organization.

They have asked fans to continue to show their support on multiple levels, including game signs, growing (or pasting on) their own mustaches, and they encourage fans to send in their action shots of the fun. They recently made it onto ESPN's College Gameday, and even have their own store with great 'stache merchandise.

They also made one hell of a video, that currently has me so excited for the game Saturday that I can barely stay seated.

Go to their site now... read their ramblings as you read mine, and print those signs out if you are a Pitt faithful. Hell, even if you aren't one, at least go there and recognize one hell of a mustache. This Saturday, I hope to see everyone dawning their staches and printing out this website's array of signs. It is time to take Pitt football back to what my parents once saw. We may not be national champions, but we are a proud part of the city's longstanding sports tradition...

... and damn can we grow facial hair.

~Jimmy "May the 'Stache be with you" the G.

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Today's Links:

Official website: http://www.thefightingwannstaches.com/

Their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/thefightingwannstaches

Their twitter profile: http://www.twitter.com/fearthestache

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Stache + Fantastic + Magical = Stachetastical"

Introducing the "Shananagram"

Channel Hide Proudly Introduces The

Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen, as we announce the creation of a new and unique service only available from your friends at Hidesquadron Enterprises: The Shenanagram™.

Q: What is a Shenanagram™?

Simply Put, a Shenanagram™ is hate mail, drafted by our team of experts here at Channel Hide and sent to a recipient as chosen by those requesting the Shenanagram™.

Q: Start Over, please...

Ok, a few days ago I was conversing with a coworker (lets call him "Dan") and brought up the subject of this very blog, which "Dan" found very interesting. We discussed various aspects of our young website and after giving it a look "Dan" loved the idea of our newly initiated concept, the "Shenanaganary Rating." I received a few other emails regarding it and the overall consensus is that every post needs a Shenanaganary Rating and that pretty much anything involving the word shenanigan is hilarious. We started using the word in various forms, each trying to top the last, and I eventually blurted out the word "Shenanagram"

The idea blossomed from there. We thought that the word basically became some silly form of the word telegram and thought a service called Shenanagram would be fantastic. We were right. Shenanagram™ was born.

We decided that, once or twice a week, we would take user submissions of various people that deserve hate mail or other type of complaint correspondence and draft a 1-page business style letter to that person. The letter would be signed by the user who suggested the recipient, the Channel Hide "Shenanagram Team™", as well as all other visitors to the blog who felt compelled to co-sign. One week after posting on Channel Hide, the letter will be sent to the recipient, who is free to respond to the letter.

Q: E-mailed or Snail-Mailed?

The document and co-sign document will be e-mailed to the recipient, mainly because it is free.

-HOWEVER-

Another member of the Channel Hide team will be creating a Pay-Pal account in order to accept donations to be used to pay for the cost of snail-mailing a hard copy of the letter and the co-sign document to the recipient. At first, this will probably cost just a few cents, but should our community grow, causing our co-sign document to blossom, the potential for major shipping costs does exist.

The original user may also feel free to ship at their own expense, should they choose.

Q: How do I submit a reciepient for a Shenanagram™?

You can submit your Shenanagram™ request to the following address:

Shenanagram (at) gmail (dot) com

What to include in this email:

- Your Name or Desired Username (feel free to remain anonymous or hide behind a screen name)

- Your e-mail address (for verification purposes)

- The Recipient's Name

- The Recipient's Contact Information (email, mailing address, etc.)

- NOTE: The more information you give us on how to contact your recipient, the better. We will not research contact information for you, so if you do not include everything necessary for the final step, we will discard your submission)

- A few words about why we should draft a Shenanagram™ to the recipient

- We know you are having a problem with this person/organization, but we are not mind readers (yet). Please include any and all information you feel necessary for our team of writers to adequately draft a well worded and humorous piece of correspondence. Rule of thumb: More is better, and be specific. We may not have the same feelings as you do, so the more you give us, the better we can attempt to capture your pure, unrivaled hatred.

We are eventually going to add a gadget of some sort to the sidebar of the blog, but until now, please use the email we have set up.

Q: How is a Shenanagram™ Chosen?

Depending on the volume of submissions, we will pick one we feel will be the most entertaining to write. Should be get a multitude of submissions, we will randomly choose one or two. Those who submit a request will be notified if their recipient is chosen, and can withdraw their submission at any time prior to posting.

Q: What will be done if a response is recieved?

That depends on the response. Regardless of the content, we will post it here, for all to see.

That's it! Welcome to the future of hate mail! Let the Shenanigans commence!

~Jimmy "This is gonna be so damn cool when it gets popular" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Shenanaspam"

Alright, Who's This Wise Guy?

Well, you're silly for asking that. I am far from wise. In fact, I'm a lunatic. Well, not really, just a little goofy. Even my name is goofy. Kuzma. What the heck is a Kuzma? By the way it's pronounced Koozma. That was sexy. I think I'll say it again. Koozma.

Anyway, I am a college student in West Virginia (the rumors are true, we call it the toothbrush because everyone only has one tooth here). In my senior year, I have found West Virginia a little boring, so I've started new hobbies (such as this one).

Now that formalities are out of the way, we can get down to business.

Why am I here?

I plan to contribute my "two cents" every now and again to help Jim "enrich your day".

Who cares what I have to say?

Well lots of people: smurfs, leprechauns, hippies, George Bush, fish. I'm just an interesting kid to follow.

What will I say?

Well, as a goofy kid I've developed a weird prospective on how to look at life. For example, while some people may say the glass is half full, I say it's half empty because I was the one who drank half of the water. See? weird.

Anyway, I am known to many as a man with a million questions.
I like to call these questions: life questions. I consider my questions life questions because although humorous in nature, they really have some application to the world.

For example, Life Question 7: How many cats do you need to own to be officially be considered as a "cat lady"? Is the answer 10?, 20? 100? If the answer is 10, what happens if you only own 9? Are you a poser? TELLLLL ME!

To learn more about me and to read my random questions as I think of them, you can follow me on twitter (kwazykozmo) and facebook (Matthew Kuzma).

Well, it's late. I'm going to bed. Nice to meet you all.

Oh, one last thing. How much do you think a glass of moonwater costs?

The Barrel List (part 1)

The Barrel List

Hey there everybody,

I was watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond today and the topic of the episode was quite inspiring. Ray (the guy everyone apparently loves) was having a midlife crisis of sorts and the family suggested he make his "Bucket List" or list of things to do before he dies.

Short story: He didn't have that many things to put on his list, creating even more hilarity as he soon realized he had accomplished what he always dreamed and began to fear that he had nothing left to live for.


This got me thinking.... Why wait until your 40's to make a bucket list? Start young, give yourself more time, and eventually you will churn items off that list like Joey Chestnut packing franks at Nathan's on the Fourth of July.

So without further delay, I present my "Barrel List" (buckets are for kids on the beach). This is part 1 of a (seemingly) unknown number of posts concerning my own life's goals and dreams.

These items are not in any particular order, so I've decided to list them in order of Shenanaganary rating.


Goal: Become a published author
(Shenanaganary rating of "Humble Pie")

I enjoy writing, as you can tell (you are reading this, if you haven't noticed...) and I love expressing my creativity on paper (or word document). To be able to reach a wide array of people with nothing more than my own ideas would be truly fulfilling. Frankly, I'm honored you are reading this, so having a published work would be beyond my wildest expectations.



Goal: Learn To Play Guitar
(Shenanaganary rating of "Gently Weeping")

I like to consider myself musical. I can play most brass instruments as a result of my school days in the band, and I have somewhat learned how to play the harmonica thanks to the plethora of information on the Internet, and I've taken piano lessons for a long time, but one instrument that has always interested me has been the guitar. It's always been elusive... I didn't not have access to one as a child and my parents really weren't knowledgeable about the instrument so they suggested going into music our schools were able to provide lessons with (basically your average wind and percussion showcase). I'm sure if our school did have guitar lessons, they would have been happy to put me in line to learn, but unfortunately some things just don't happen. Hopefully someday in the future (when I can afford it) I will be able to take up the instrument and learn to play it as well.



Goal: Fly a Plane
(Shenanaganary rating of "Kick the tires, light the fires")

I LOVE AIRCRAFT. From watching World War II airplane battles to the star fighter glory from Star Wars, I always wanted to learn to do that. Being a pilot has an element of freedom attached to it most people don't really have. I would love to be able to put myself into the sky and be able to look down and know I'm not going to die from the fall. Planes and helicopters of all types fascinate me, especially military craft. My favorite aircraft is the The McDonnell Douglass F-15 Eagle and it is mostly because of a video game I had on the Sega Genesis called "F-15 Strike Eagle II". As a kid, it was the first plane I was exposed to. The game had detailed specs and diagrams that, over time, I learned to understand.




Well, I'll stop off there for now. Look for more goals of mine in the future, and feel free to share your own in the comments!


~Jimmy "Red Leader to Base, I'm Hit!" the G.

Updates-a-comin

Heeeelllooo!




Now that I have your attention and have placed an always funny Seinfeld pun on my website, I feel I owe you all an apology.

For reasons that are not important (Laziness, forgetfulness, lack of enthusiasm)the channel has not been updated in a while.

NOT ANYMORE!

The channel is now a one-man show, and I am posting this to tell you that it will be updated soon and the not-so-hilarious hilarity will march onward into the oblivion we are all guaranteed as humans.

Stay tuned, internet. More from the Channel is on its way. Thanks for your patience.


Jimmy "GOOOODBYYEEEE" the G.

Channel Hide Special Report - Celebrity Deaths

This is a Channel Hide Special Report

This past week has taken quite a few celebrities from us, all of which are really no laughing matter. Death in any circumstance is always sad, and for a lot of people around the world, this week was not easy.

Ed McMahon (March 6, 1923 - June 23, 2009)

A lot can be said about TV legend Ed McMahon. From game shows to comedy, McMahon always could be seen with a wide smile. His quick wit landed him alongside funnyman Johnny Carson on NBC's "The Tonight Show" and helped create a longstanding tradition in late night variety shows that is still going strong today.

More importantly, Ed McMahon is a honored veteran of The United States Marine Corps. he garnered multiple decorations as a Marine fighter pilot and later became a flight instructor. He fought in the Korean War, and later retired as a Colonel in 1966, just to enlisted in the California Air National Guard.

Unfortunately, his health declined at the turn of the century, which ultimately resulted with his death this past Tuesday. This American Hero, as well as beloved Television icon, will be greatly missed.

Below is a tribute from Conan O'Brian, current host of "The Tonight Show"

Farrah Fawcett (February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009)

Farrah Fawcett was one of the most well known women in television during her time starring in "Charlie's Angels" and became widely recognized as the greatest sex symbol of the 1970s. Her famous pin-up poster (pictured above) is actually the highest-selling of all time, and still can be found in dorm rooms across America (I have one, and I was a freshman in college 20 years after it was taken in 1976).

More important than her (obvious) sex appeal, she suffered from several forms of cancer, which were the eventual cause of her death. There was a lot of drama surrounding her attitude toward cancer and its treatment, but she never stopped fighting. After going public with her disease, she felt the need to document her treatments. A television documentary was released about her a month before her passing that was watched by millions and is being re-run on many different networks.

While her family life was often strained, she was still one of "America's Angels" and her talent and beauty will be missed.

Michael Jackson (August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009)

Love him or hate him, Michael Jackson is one of the most accomplished, beloved, and talented musicians in history, and his death may be one of the most shocking and momentous witnessed in a long time. The wake this man left behind him is so profound in importance that to dismiss his death as "overblown" or "distracting" is downright wrong.

Let me be clear here, I am not going to judge his alleged actions as an adult in this post, but instead look back at what made this man the planetary sensation that he is: his music.

Michael Jackson holds a ton of records. In fact, he has won so many that he set the record for most records and awards won in the history of music.

To name a few:


His album "Thriller" (1982) is the best selling Album in history with and estimated 109 million copies sold to date. It earned this record in just a year and has yet to be beaten. It is also the highest selling US album at 50 million copies, and was the #1 US album in two different years (1983 and 1984), which is also a record. Actually, there are so many records held by this album, that I'm just gonna stop here and bask at the glory that is Thriller. It is truly an amazing album.

The music video to the single "Thriller" was named "The Most Successful Music Video" by Guinness World Records. (you can watch the entire thing if you scroll down a bit). It was created with a $500 Thousand budget and was treated as a major motion picture, even earning a theatrical release!

His music video "Black or White" was watched simultaneously by over 500 Million people worldwide, a record for largest music video audience in history.

The album "Bad" was on the Billboard 200 Top 5 for 38 weeks, more than any other album in history.

"HIStory Tour" - (1996-1997) - Highest Grossing Performance Tour in History, a record he set (and then broke) twice, starting with the "Bad World Tour" (1987-1989) and then "Dangerous World Tour" (1992-1993).

And perhaps the most important record:
Michael Jackson supported 39 Charities in his lifetime, more than any other singer in history. Notable ones include the American Cancer Society, Sickle Cell Research, and Volunteers of America.

You can view these and the rest of the his accomplishments, awards, and records on Wikipedia

Once again, Michael Jackson has had a very storied history outside of the music world, with quite a bit of it negative, but his musical accomplishments eclipse any other musical artist or artists that have ever performed. He single-handedly changed the music business with his style of performance, depth of talent, and widespread appeal. The nickname "King of Pop" is an understatement.

Billy Mays (July 20, 1958 - June 28, 2009)

I really have to say, this one shocked me just as much as Jackson. Billy Mays is a Pittsburgh native and nationally recognized television pitch-man, known for his endorsement of "As seen on TV" products. You all have probably seen his commercials for Oxi-Clean or Orange-Glo over the years.

It's hard not to call Mays likable, as his commercials were the kind of down-to-earth demonstrations that really seemed to define what the modern infomercial is these days. He only endorsed products that he tested himself, and his demonstrations were nothing other than everyday situations, something Americans can easily relate to. He seemed to shout at the camera, which became a recognized trademark of his, which is parodied by many people. He seemed to have a lot of excitement for his work, and even recently starred in a television show on the Discovery Channel called "Pitchmen". The show was a documentary style one that revealed a lot about the infomercial world and how he went about his work.

He was not oblivious to his often comedic mannerisms, a thing he often joked about and even parodied during a series of commercials for ESPN Internet service, "ESPN360". As tiresome as infomercials go, I always seemed to stop and watch Mays while channel surfing just because he was entertaining and the products seemed interesting (although I'll admit some of them were rather ridiculous at times). I personally love Oxi-Clean, which does the job he claims it does with flying colors. Luckily you can find it in stores now, as I am somewhat weary of television sales. While I've never bought anything from an infomercial, I would probably only buy from him if I eventually decided to do so.

He was found dead this morning, a news item that really shocked me when I found out. He was not a rock star or an international celebrity, but a man who made his living in an honest way, and for that I really do have a lot of respect for him. He earned his success and appeal with products he tested and approved of, unlike many others in his business who would instead push forward with crap products in order to make a buck. He was taken too soon, and will be missed.

Astonishingly, Billy appeared on the Tonight Show just this past week, and here is the clip:

Final thoughts:

I recognize that the celebrity world is not always the most glamorous one (despite their attempts), but any death becomes a matter of conversation and sadness, be it for the fans or the person's family. This past week was kind of a rapid-fire session of deaths, and something I believe is worth talking about. While the timing of these deaths is a coincidence, I can't help but think about the shock and sadness any death brings, let alone four well known and loved people.

I wish to express my deepest sympathies to the family, friends, and fans of those we lost this week, and I'm sure the others here at the Channel Hide wish to do the same. Hopefully our next post will allow us to return to our regular dose of comedic nonsense and poorly timed puns. Thanks for staying tuned, and have a great week everyone.