1 Star Rating:
This is pretty bad. The movie reviewed isn't worth seeing. The product tested wasn't worth buying. The person being critiqued deserves to die. There isn't much worse than a 1 star rating, with the exception of the label 'ABSOLUTE SHIT' which we will not preview here. You'll just have to hope we review something that bad to see it.
2 Star Rating:
Two stars is a tough area to describe. It's generally not good, be it a show or movie or a bad sporting event. It may be worth trying out, renting, or getting the lowdown from a friend (depending on what it is being rated, of course) but generally we recommend giving 2 starred things the cold shoulder, if only for your own safety.
3 Star Rating:
Here's where things get interesting. 3 stars usually means the item being reviewed is decent enough to warrant your attention. It has its flaws, but it also has it's strengths, and we usually view the strengths as qualities that make it worthwhile. You may not be totally satisfied with the result, but the item is almost always worth the time of day. A 3 star movie is one worth a matinee showing, while items, events, and people should definitely be taken seriously when being considered.
4 Star Rating:
That's some quality craftsmanship, right there. The thing being reviewed gets four stars when it truly demonstrates excellence in whatever category it falls in, and is usually considered 'essential' for viewers to see, buy, or participate in. It gets four stars instead of five due to nitpicking by our reviewers, most of which calls to mind the few things that are missing from the item or flawed but not detrimental to the experience the item gives (not to mention that if we give everything 5 stars, we have no basis of credibility at all). Four stars is well deserved excellence.
5 Star Rating:
Five stars. It's the Lombardi Trophy. A no-hitter. It's Sliced Bread and fluffy chocolate with nougat. It really doesn't get much better than this. Near flawless, essential, and loved by all, a five star item is pure gold wrapped in angel wings and instead of descending from Heaven, it rises up, and it's taking you with it. This rare prize is only awarded to the most deserving of nouns, and most likely won't be seen often on this site. Should you spot it, you can be sure that you are entering a 'Drop Everything and Run' moment in your life. Sing it's praises from the highest mountain peaks. Cherish it. Love it. Share it.
There you have it. Now you know what to expect when you see those icons splattered throughout the site. Hopefully this system keeps you from buying something awful (like this) and instead you achieve greatness (like this). Any questions? Slam the comments below, but beware the Justice Spatula. It lurks ever so quietly above you, waiting to bring down the hurt.
~Jimmy "I rate this post ABSOLUTE SHIT because I can" the G.
