Why I hate Top 10 Lists (RANT)

TOP 10 LISTS ARE THE PLAGUE OF SOCIETY

I'd like to start out by saying that I do not actually hate all top 10 lists. In fact, I do enjoy reading them from time to time. Sadly, around this time every year a multitude of really stupid top 10 lists come out highlighting all the boring and otherwise stupid things that happen in 365 days. This is an article about why I hate those lists, and how this year my anger level is even higher than usual about the whole ordeal.

And so we begin...

It's 2009. Soon to be 2010. As of this posting there is roughly 16 days remaining until we look back on this decade much like we look back on the 90's and 80's: WITH DISDAIN!

It is for this reason that I absolutely hate it when, at the end of every year, every media outlet in every form, be it Oprah or the local weatherperson, comes out with shitty list after shitty list of things they feel were important in the last year. Top 10 music albums, top 10 sports moments, top 10 pop culture trends, top 10 most wanted, top 10 crappy indie bands, top 10 low fat recipes for aging housewives...

ENOUGH!

THERE IS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH THAT HAPPENS IN A YEAR THAT WARRANTS A TOP TEN LIST! It's nothing but a list of things that humanity should be forgetting about brought up one more ugly time before we begin a fresh year.

We saw the Paris Hilton screw ups, we know Michael Jackson died, the Steelers won another Superbowl, some crazy bitch sang about her poker face, and we know that President Obama has pretty much done nothing in his historic first year in office, and yet in doing so outdid his predecessor.

There. I just wrapped 2009.

Here is where it gets worse....

Now that the first decade of the new millennium is over, people feel it necessary to recap all the crappy, horrifying, and otherwise stupid things that happened... IN A TOP 10 LIST! Contrary to the relatively low amount of important things that happen in a year, too much happens in 10 years to warrant a simple top 10 list. Most media outlets know this, so they compile much larger lists... in the hundreds of items... for you to pour over.

Whole sections of newspapers and websites are dedicated to this task.

Thousands of pages of paper... millions of lines of computer code... scores of manhours are poured into the making of these gargantuan lists that nobody should have time to read.

Were this a decade of peace and prosperity, I might not be so hard on the concept, but lets face it... the 2000's sucked. The word of the decade, something I'm sure Time Magazine will print before the month is over, will surely be "Terrorism." We are at war in a region that is doomed to be a hellhole for much of the foreseeable future. From 2000-2008 we had a President that was so inept that I'm not entirely sure he knows how to read. The New England Patriots cheated in a number of seasons that could have lead to multiple tarnished NFL titles. There was an attempted remake of Knight Rider. Carrot Top hasn't died, and worst of all...

Mr. Rogers died.

Who wants to remember all of that, let alone highlight the other 90 or so terrible or embarrassing things that happened in the last 10 years? (actually, its a lot more than 90 things, but I digress...)

Ladies and Gentlemen... I beseech you... please do not waste your time reading these lists again this year. I care about all of you... I really do! When you waste your time remembering all the horrible, stupid, or meaningless things of the past year and decade, you are allowing humanity to continually highlight bullshit, and put it up on a big pedestal.

Go now... have some eggnog or whatever alcoholic beverage you drink this time of year, put on a movie, and enjoy life... don't spend it remembering bullshit.

Ahh... I feel better... hopefully I saved a few poor souls from reading all that crap out there.

After all, its Christmas time. Be happy people.

~ Jimmy "Success" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"We still didn't find Osama. It's been 10 years."

Life Question 1: How Much For a Glass of Moon Water?

I hate geniuses.

Why, you ask?

Because they've doomed us (insert your hatred here).

What do I mean?

You know. They're always poking at stuff and are trying to see how things work; it's sickening. They are slaves to their own boredom.

When an average human gets bored he will spend his free time doing something relaxing. Whether it be playing a video game, reading a book, writing meaningless blogs, the average person always finds a way to enjoy his life, usually in a way that does not intrude on the lives of others. But not geniuses!

When geniuses get bored, their curiosity takes a hold of them. They feel the need to dissect something, or to create an atom bomb, or to make ice cream. Some way or another, the geniuses find ways to change the world. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, come on Kuzma, innovation is the key element of a successful economy. What could a nosy genius possibly do to us?

How dare you think skeptically of me.

You want an example?

Fine.

On Friday November 13th, two NASA astronauts had finished their morning missions and were contemplating what to do. They had already played all of their boardgames and had already saved Princess Peach from every Mario game ever made. So they read a book right?

WRONG!

They thought, Hey! There's the Lunar Sensing Satelite, Let's take it for a ride.

SLAM!

They crashed the 87 million dollar satellite into the moon.

Luckily for the astronauts (unluckily for us) they had stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries to date. I'm talking of course about water on the moon.

Now at this point you might be thinking, oh man, water on the moon? That's awesome! Why should we hate these people? I would pay big bucks for a glass of moon water! How much would a glass cost?

Well you're a moron.

Do you really think the mooninites will let us simply take their water?

That's right. The mooninites wrath is now upon us. We "bombed" their land and stole their water. So now you see, the question isn't how much money does a glass of moon water cost, but rather how much blood?

The answer of course, is

ALL OF IT.

Nobody can escape the quad-laser.

Fear the 'Stache

Let me start off with this: Dave Wannstedt has a mustache that is epic on a level that is so high that I cannot conjure up a humorous pun that does it justice. With that being said, there is a group of Pittsburgh fans out there that recognized this before anyone else and purchased a web domain to broadcast both the Stache's glory and their own.

I am now a card carrying, sign totin', mustache flaunting member of The Fighting Wannstaches.

While the group is young, it has a mission that is timeless: Bring the fans together. They felt that the University of Pittsburgh football program was in dire need of something bigger than any one person, and also recognize one of the greatest accomplishments in facial hair. As they put it:

"...Pitt football fans were missing something. Something universal to unite the them…something bigger than you or me…something to instill fear into every opposing team… something to not only celebrate Pitt football but also to pay homage to the best mustache since Magnum PI – The awesomeness that has become known as The Wannstache."

I faithfully throw my support behind this effort, and applaud their enthusiasm for Pittsburgh football. A longtime member of the Pitt family (my mother is an proud alumni) and now a student myself, I have always envied the large football domination other Universities have demonstrated in my lifetime. Pitt was once a powerhouse as well, but poor luck (as well as bad management on multiple levels) have allowed Pitt's 9 National Championship teams to fade into the passage of time and leave behind a shell of its former self.

Recently, however, the team has bounced back, under the leadership of a stache so great, it garnered its own fan organization.

They have asked fans to continue to show their support on multiple levels, including game signs, growing (or pasting on) their own mustaches, and they encourage fans to send in their action shots of the fun. They recently made it onto ESPN's College Gameday, and even have their own store with great 'stache merchandise.

They also made one hell of a video, that currently has me so excited for the game Saturday that I can barely stay seated.

Go to their site now... read their ramblings as you read mine, and print those signs out if you are a Pitt faithful. Hell, even if you aren't one, at least go there and recognize one hell of a mustache. This Saturday, I hope to see everyone dawning their staches and printing out this website's array of signs. It is time to take Pitt football back to what my parents once saw. We may not be national champions, but we are a proud part of the city's longstanding sports tradition...

... and damn can we grow facial hair.

~Jimmy "May the 'Stache be with you" the G.

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Today's Links:

Official website: http://www.thefightingwannstaches.com/

Their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/thefightingwannstaches

Their twitter profile: http://www.twitter.com/fearthestache

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Stache + Fantastic + Magical = Stachetastical"