Life Question 1: How Much For a Glass of Moon Water?

I hate geniuses.

Why, you ask?

Because they've doomed us (insert your hatred here).

What do I mean?

You know. They're always poking at stuff and are trying to see how things work; it's sickening. They are slaves to their own boredom.

When an average human gets bored he will spend his free time doing something relaxing. Whether it be playing a video game, reading a book, writing meaningless blogs, the average person always finds a way to enjoy his life, usually in a way that does not intrude on the lives of others. But not geniuses!

When geniuses get bored, their curiosity takes a hold of them. They feel the need to dissect something, or to create an atom bomb, or to make ice cream. Some way or another, the geniuses find ways to change the world. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, come on Kuzma, innovation is the key element of a successful economy. What could a nosy genius possibly do to us?

How dare you think skeptically of me.

You want an example?

Fine.

On Friday November 13th, two NASA astronauts had finished their morning missions and were contemplating what to do. They had already played all of their boardgames and had already saved Princess Peach from every Mario game ever made. So they read a book right?

WRONG!

They thought, Hey! There's the Lunar Sensing Satelite, Let's take it for a ride.

SLAM!

They crashed the 87 million dollar satellite into the moon.

Luckily for the astronauts (unluckily for us) they had stumbled upon one of the greatest discoveries to date. I'm talking of course about water on the moon.

Now at this point you might be thinking, oh man, water on the moon? That's awesome! Why should we hate these people? I would pay big bucks for a glass of moon water! How much would a glass cost?

Well you're a moron.

Do you really think the mooninites will let us simply take their water?

That's right. The mooninites wrath is now upon us. We "bombed" their land and stole their water. So now you see, the question isn't how much money does a glass of moon water cost, but rather how much blood?

The answer of course, is

ALL OF IT.

Nobody can escape the quad-laser.

Fear the 'Stache

Let me start off with this: Dave Wannstedt has a mustache that is epic on a level that is so high that I cannot conjure up a humorous pun that does it justice. With that being said, there is a group of Pittsburgh fans out there that recognized this before anyone else and purchased a web domain to broadcast both the Stache's glory and their own.

I am now a card carrying, sign totin', mustache flaunting member of The Fighting Wannstaches.

While the group is young, it has a mission that is timeless: Bring the fans together. They felt that the University of Pittsburgh football program was in dire need of something bigger than any one person, and also recognize one of the greatest accomplishments in facial hair. As they put it:

"...Pitt football fans were missing something. Something universal to unite the them…something bigger than you or me…something to instill fear into every opposing team… something to not only celebrate Pitt football but also to pay homage to the best mustache since Magnum PI – The awesomeness that has become known as The Wannstache."

I faithfully throw my support behind this effort, and applaud their enthusiasm for Pittsburgh football. A longtime member of the Pitt family (my mother is an proud alumni) and now a student myself, I have always envied the large football domination other Universities have demonstrated in my lifetime. Pitt was once a powerhouse as well, but poor luck (as well as bad management on multiple levels) have allowed Pitt's 9 National Championship teams to fade into the passage of time and leave behind a shell of its former self.

Recently, however, the team has bounced back, under the leadership of a stache so great, it garnered its own fan organization.

They have asked fans to continue to show their support on multiple levels, including game signs, growing (or pasting on) their own mustaches, and they encourage fans to send in their action shots of the fun. They recently made it onto ESPN's College Gameday, and even have their own store with great 'stache merchandise.

They also made one hell of a video, that currently has me so excited for the game Saturday that I can barely stay seated.

Go to their site now... read their ramblings as you read mine, and print those signs out if you are a Pitt faithful. Hell, even if you aren't one, at least go there and recognize one hell of a mustache. This Saturday, I hope to see everyone dawning their staches and printing out this website's array of signs. It is time to take Pitt football back to what my parents once saw. We may not be national champions, but we are a proud part of the city's longstanding sports tradition...

... and damn can we grow facial hair.

~Jimmy "May the 'Stache be with you" the G.

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Today's Links:

Official website: http://www.thefightingwannstaches.com/

Their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/thefightingwannstaches

Their twitter profile: http://www.twitter.com/fearthestache

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Stache + Fantastic + Magical = Stachetastical"

Introducing the "Shananagram"

Channel Hide Proudly Introduces The

Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen, as we announce the creation of a new and unique service only available from your friends at Hidesquadron Enterprises: The Shenanagram™.

Q: What is a Shenanagram™?

Simply Put, a Shenanagram™ is hate mail, drafted by our team of experts here at Channel Hide and sent to a recipient as chosen by those requesting the Shenanagram™.

Q: Start Over, please...

Ok, a few days ago I was conversing with a coworker (lets call him "Dan") and brought up the subject of this very blog, which "Dan" found very interesting. We discussed various aspects of our young website and after giving it a look "Dan" loved the idea of our newly initiated concept, the "Shenanaganary Rating." I received a few other emails regarding it and the overall consensus is that every post needs a Shenanaganary Rating and that pretty much anything involving the word shenanigan is hilarious. We started using the word in various forms, each trying to top the last, and I eventually blurted out the word "Shenanagram"

The idea blossomed from there. We thought that the word basically became some silly form of the word telegram and thought a service called Shenanagram would be fantastic. We were right. Shenanagram™ was born.

We decided that, once or twice a week, we would take user submissions of various people that deserve hate mail or other type of complaint correspondence and draft a 1-page business style letter to that person. The letter would be signed by the user who suggested the recipient, the Channel Hide "Shenanagram Team™", as well as all other visitors to the blog who felt compelled to co-sign. One week after posting on Channel Hide, the letter will be sent to the recipient, who is free to respond to the letter.

Q: E-mailed or Snail-Mailed?

The document and co-sign document will be e-mailed to the recipient, mainly because it is free.

-HOWEVER-

Another member of the Channel Hide team will be creating a Pay-Pal account in order to accept donations to be used to pay for the cost of snail-mailing a hard copy of the letter and the co-sign document to the recipient. At first, this will probably cost just a few cents, but should our community grow, causing our co-sign document to blossom, the potential for major shipping costs does exist.

The original user may also feel free to ship at their own expense, should they choose.

Q: How do I submit a reciepient for a Shenanagram™?

You can submit your Shenanagram™ request to the following address:

Shenanagram (at) gmail (dot) com

What to include in this email:

- Your Name or Desired Username (feel free to remain anonymous or hide behind a screen name)

- Your e-mail address (for verification purposes)

- The Recipient's Name

- The Recipient's Contact Information (email, mailing address, etc.)

- NOTE: The more information you give us on how to contact your recipient, the better. We will not research contact information for you, so if you do not include everything necessary for the final step, we will discard your submission)

- A few words about why we should draft a Shenanagram™ to the recipient

- We know you are having a problem with this person/organization, but we are not mind readers (yet). Please include any and all information you feel necessary for our team of writers to adequately draft a well worded and humorous piece of correspondence. Rule of thumb: More is better, and be specific. We may not have the same feelings as you do, so the more you give us, the better we can attempt to capture your pure, unrivaled hatred.

We are eventually going to add a gadget of some sort to the sidebar of the blog, but until now, please use the email we have set up.

Q: How is a Shenanagram™ Chosen?

Depending on the volume of submissions, we will pick one we feel will be the most entertaining to write. Should be get a multitude of submissions, we will randomly choose one or two. Those who submit a request will be notified if their recipient is chosen, and can withdraw their submission at any time prior to posting.

Q: What will be done if a response is recieved?

That depends on the response. Regardless of the content, we will post it here, for all to see.

That's it! Welcome to the future of hate mail! Let the Shenanigans commence!

~Jimmy "This is gonna be so damn cool when it gets popular" the G.

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This post has a Shenanaganary rating of:

"Shenanaspam"